Being
I don’t tell a lot of personal stories about race, but I guess that’s what’s needed now. The first time I realized that I was black and that it was a bad thing was in kindergarten. I remember it really clearly, seared into my mind like some other memories of mine that won’t leave.
My mother dropped me off early for the first day of kindergarten, so I waited in the classroom. We had just moved out of Baltimore and into a new house in Towson, so everything was new. An Asian kid came in a bit later. He went to a different part of the classroom. Then a white kid came in. He went to yet another different part of the classroom. The Asian kid got up and went over to the white kid and started talking to him. He was showing him something. I came over to talk, too, and to see what was being shared.
The Asian kid had let the white kid hold whatever he’d brought but took it back as soon as I came over. I asked what it was and he reluctantly told me that it was a piece of gold that belonged to his dad. I asked if I could see it and, after an initial no, he flashed it at me quickly before putting it away. I never really saw it.
Not getting the message, I asked if I could hold it, too.
He said, “No, you’ll steal it.”
It is important to understand that black people do not put these thoughts of racial differences into their own heads. That little Asian kid didn’t put those thoughts into his own head, either. And either the white kid agreed or didn’t think it required any further input on his part. That was the end. I went back to being alone so that they could talk. I was five. What else was I supposed to do?
Pictures like this don’t help. These pictures aren’t from 100 years ago. I downloaded these in 2014 while I was Halloween shopping for myself and the family. I could probably find them in an online costume store today if the last straw hadn’t just landed. I can’t decide whether to be more offended at the costumes themselves or that they’re wearing them wrong.
Understand that being black is being terrified. Not uncomfortable. Terrified. It is being terrified of being thought:
- – so weak that people can take advantage of you or so strong that people will be scared of you.
- – lazy or someone’s mule.
- – a fool (like an ape) or too clever.
- – too harsh or too generous.
- – too selfish or too self-sacrificing.
- – not worth listening to or that someone will listen and steal your creations.
Being black is being a war veteran, but for your whole life. Being black is picking the path that you have access to, because there are exceedingly few paths for something better. This fierce tug of war wears and tears the insides, pulling them to pieces.
The difference between black struggle and white struggle can be exemplified by the movie An Officer and a Gentleman. The lead character is a white guy whose father was in the Navy. He has a variety of choices in life, but he’s kind of a piece of shit and his dad was kind of a dick which is why he is kind of a piece of shit.
The only choice he has left in life to still be able to make it is to be an OFFICER IN THE US NAVY! He’s going to be a pilot. That’s his bottom, his last ditch effort to make it. Do you know what has to line up for you to have a shot at being an officer and a pilot in the US Navy? Lots of shit. One of them is getting a letter from someone with a fancy title that says that you’re worth considering.
He’s being trained by a black enlisted Marine, a Gunnery Sergeant. The Gunny is living as good a life as could be expected. He’s riding high. He’s got a good job, he’s got respect, he’s making decent money, and he’s training future leaders. He may not be at the ceiling for black men in America in that day, but he can see it from there.
At one point, when the Gunny is pissed at the whiny white hero and is trying to break him, the white guy says, “I got no place else to go!”
No place else to go? Is this his floor? Because he hasn’t fallen low enough to hit that Gunny’s ceiling yet.
I know, he was basically saying, “This is my last shot at a good life.” But again, really? I know I’m supposed to empathize with this character. I’ve seen this movie two or three times. I gotta say, never once have I thought, “Oh the poor thing. Someone should give him a break.”
I know he’s working hard in the program. I know he had a shitty dad. But you have GOT to be kidding me. Lou Gossett Jr’s character should have been wearing brass and flying the plane. Richard Gere’s character should have been enlisted and holding a mop.
The Experiment
On 17-October-2009 at 8:00 PM, I performed an experiment. I had just had one of those discussions with a white person who refused to acknowledge that there was any racism left in America. I almost never talk about race, not then and not now, but I had hoped that this person, knowing me as they did, would have heard me. They didn’t. So I cooked this up. I posted the following two ads on Craigslist (back when you could post personals). The posts stayed up until 12:00 AM and 12:45 AM respectively. I re-posted the first and it was not taken down a second time.
***
- A: Just looking to explore my sexuality – w4m
I’m open to a lot of things. Just ask me and I promise not to get angry. I’m open to couples and groups as long as I’m the one in control. I’m 5’6, blond hair, blue eyes, skinny with small breasts and a little apple ass.
White, asian, latino only. So no fucking niggers. Just my preference. Your face gets mine. Smooches.
- B: Wealthy white couple seeks same – mw4mw – 35
We’re an educated, open-minded, liberal white couple who have worked very hard to get where we are in the world. We’re looking for a similar couple or single female (perhaps single male) who can appreciate that. White, asian and non-ethnic-looking hispanics should apply. No black, brown, dark, chocolate anythings please. We just don’t like black people and want to keep our stuff. Just our preference. No offense intended. We’re just not interested in you people.
We’d love to spend some time with you in our hot tub. Your pictures get ours.
- C: Exploring – w4m – 29 (DC)
Sorry, I think I got flagged for using the N-word. It’s not really fair that they can use it but I can’t.
Anyway, I’m open to a lot of things. Just ask me and I promise not to get angry. I’m open to couples and groups as long as I’m the one in control. I’m 5’6, blond hair, blue eyes, skinny with small breasts and a little apple ass.
White, asian and white-looking latino only. So no f-ing black people or beaners. Don’t want you people, don’t like you people. Just my preference. Your face gets mine. Smooches.
***
I wrestled with whether or not to share this. I’m still conflicted about it. Keep in mind that this is not a scientific experiment. It’s not a representative sample of the population. It was the subset of people in that specific area on that specific app at that specific time looking for that specific thing.
That said, in that time, I received 105 responses before I stopped monitoring around 0100. Two of them were negative. Two were from black people, and not the same two. I have a lot of email addresses and faces I could share here. But I’m not going to out anyone. It’s not really constructive and, I suppose, not fair. I do, however, want to share just a few of the messages I got and some of the non-selfie images I received.
OK, so I have never responded to an ad and would never respond to an ad with a pic, but your style rocks. I love the part about Niggers and beaners. So yes I am white, so you seem to have a personality but how do you look? I attached a pic from a very recent wedding, I am the guy with the shaved head and I am 29.
Asian here…tan, not black. Haha, you’re brutally honest…a trait that not many people have any more. I’m 35, 5’10”, 165#, in great shape, attractive……I’m always up for an adventure with a cracker white girl:)
tall fit and athletic and totally not a beaner
Sir/madam, Hi there :). My name is John and I enjoyed reading your CL post. I would love to get to know you two better. I am also educated, open-minded, liberal and white (Italian in background). I’m 32 years old, single, 5’8″, 145 lb, slim build, physically fit, and very energetic. I give excellent back and foot massages. I’m a nice guy, considered fun to be around, very sociable, and a great listener. I’m an amateur musician (been in a few local bands), a software developer, successful at my career and in life, and a great cook. I enjoy fine film – especially, Cannes, Oscars, etc. I’d love to come over and explore whatever you’d like. I’ve always adored hot tubs :). I’m enclosing a few pictures. I’d love to hear from you if you’re interested :). Cheers,
I can hear some of you getting angry. Good. I’m not showing you this so that you can feel bad. I’ve shown this to almost no one since I did the experiment. I’m showing you this so that you know that I know. And now I know that you know that I know.
Rage
There are certainly idiots and assholes among black people, too, as there are in any population and in roughly the same proportion. But I don’t think that anyone thinks that most or even a significant fraction of people (black or otherwise) are idiots and assholes. I wrestle with that idea, actually. The world seems determined to curb my faith in this species. Despite this, I still believe most people to be reasonably intelligent and basically decent. But, because there are actual idiots and assholes in the world, black people would like to be able to call a cop when they need one. But a lot of us don’t. That should bother you.
Cops are the target now in the way that the military was the target during the Vietnam War. It wasn’t about the troops then and it isn’t about the troops now. The troops and the citizens are the point at which things collide, but they are the symptom, not the problem. Just because there were events like the My Lai massacre doesn’t mean that all US troops were bad. Very few people thought that. What needed addressing was the policy that sent them to war, the guidance those troops were given, and consequences for those criminal actions which, until it became severe, were all but non-existent. The structure was bad. And it became undeniable as repeated incidents occurred.
Here’s a little check. You ever want someone to stop doing something, so you ask them nicely? And then they get mad at you for asking? And then you get mad at them for getting mad at you? Something, right?
If you have ever…
- – gotten the wrong or bad food delivered,
- – tried to get a child to accept responsibility for breaking something,
- – had a partner with a much lower libido than you,
- – talked to the person that robbed you,
- – received uninvited contact from someone,
- – voted for a decent, intelligent person or cause, but the troll or the troll’s cause won instead,
…then you might understand what it feels like to raise an issue with someone in a position of power who is not invested in a solution that benefits you. You might be familiar with someone pretending that your issue isn’t an issue, suggesting that you’re too sensitive about it, pretending things don’t happen the way that you said it, taking it more personally than intended, trying to appease you with anything but what would resolve the issue… all knowing that the problem yet persists. Sometimes you have options. Go to a different restaurant. Get a new partner. But are you going to get a new child? A new country?
How did you feel in those situations? Did you feel heard? Did you feel like the person got it? Like something was going to change? Or did you maybe feel like breaking something and setting it on fire?
Level
“So are you some kind of Socialist like Hitler? You can’t just make everything equal, you know. You can’t change what people like. ”
Hitler was a Fascist. He hated Socialism. Please get that right.
We make US Marines on Parris Island, South Carolina and in San Diego, California. There are battalions, companies, and platoons galore at each of those locations. Each Recruit Depot exists in a place with different economics. The recruits come from very different backgrounds (recruits from east of the Mississippi go east, those from the west go west). Their instructors are from all over the Marine Corps, all over the country. Despite this, no Marine from one boot camp ever walks up to a Marine from another boot camp and complains that they didn’t get the proper experience and training necessary to be a Marine. There is a standard that they all train to.
McDonalds, Burger King, and Wendy’s sell burgers coast to coast, top to bottom. Despite wildly different cost of living standards, no one complains about the inconsistent cost or quality of a Big Mac. There is a standard that they all produce to.
It is possible to normalize a field.
As for the other question… My wife used to like long, flowing hair on a guy. Then she met me. Now she likes bald heads with a beard. People can change. It just takes exposure. You’ll learn to like us. We’re very likable. But for those of you determined not to like us, fuck off. We don’t like you, either.
-CG